The end of breastfeeding and other stuff

(Picture of G breastfeeding at a few months of age - doing the perfect "special K" mouth that you read about in breastfeeding brochures. I reckon there should be more photos of breastfeeding babies plastered about the place so that new mothers have some idea of what the whole "latching on" thing looks like. So....I have thrown shyness to the winds and posted my one and only blogging breastfeeding photo)

Just a quick hello. Life goes on here much the same but definitely more fun since we cut down on computer and tv hours. We've done the rainbow collage that Tammie showed on her blog a few months ago which was great fun. (Sorry, Tammie - I tried but failed to find that post and put the link here). We've also made those "chatterboxes" out of folded up paper that you write little sayings on inside. My friends and I loved them when we were little and I'm trying to remember the fun things I did as a kid so I can do them with my girls. When I was in primary school, fads came and went every few weeks and everyone would be skipping, yo-yo-ing, making string patterns on their fingers, playing "elastics", playing knuckles, playing "sevens" (bouncing a tennis ball on the ground and doing clapping etc before catching the ball). And good old hand clapping games like "Under the Rainbow" and "When Suzie was a Baby". Of course, if I was a more organised blogger, I would have taken photos of the rainbow collage and the chatterboxes. Never mind. (I just tried to find the camera and it seems to be missing. Oops)

Big news (for me) is that I gave G her last breastfeed a few nights ago. I'm hoping I feel less tired and grumpy VERY soon. (Is it rude to type in capitals when blogging? Does it imply yelling like in emails? I mean only to add feeling). We've been talking about it for ages. I feel I have well and truly followed the World Health Organisation recommendation of breastfeeding until 2 years of age and then as long as mother and child want to. She, of course, still wants to but I have had enough. I do feel a bit guilty as I am taking away something she loves but it's probably more important for her to have a happy, less tired mother (with a libido). Anyway.....we had discussed getting a special present for giving up "bee bee" and she was thinking of a "pink and yellow poodle". I'm not sure if the toy shop stocks those. But we saw a great toy cash register this week and she just loved it. It was a bit expensive but I thought "What the heck". Also, I know the big sister and all visiting children would also love playing with it and I thought it would inspire lots of imaginative play, so I bought it. I offered a last breastfeed during the day but she said "No thanks. I a big girl. I have a cash reger". But we had one last bedtime drink for Mummy's benefit and I treasured every moment.

The first bedtime with no breastfeed went fine. I was amazed. Just a half hour of snuggling and chit chat and she went to sleep. But the next night when she asked for "beebee" and I said "No...bee bee is finished" she was quite disappointed. "Take that cash reger back to the shop and give me some bee bee" she demanded. But I stayed strong and there has been no "bee bee". I apologise if this is all too much information for some people (that would be you, Christopher) but it's nice to jot it down for posterity.

Yes...there are photos of the last day of breastfeeding but I shan't be posting them!

PS I know I was talking about taking a blogging sabbatical, but then I found out that two friends have been dropping in and I would miss everyone too much and I have been enjoying finding lovely new blogs like Beck's blog and What Makes You Happy so I am still here, blogging. Yes...the TV is on and Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses is playing but G is playing with the box of wooden blocks and E is drawing with crayons next to me, so I don't feel quite as guilty as usual.

PPS My big brother was married to his beautiful girl in Dili on the weekend. If you read this, you two, Congratulations!!!!!! We were with you in spirit.

The fog lifts

A sort of amazing thing has happened the last couple of weeks. The negative, cranky, glass half full fog that usually fills my brain and seems to make me see the world and my life through gloomy coloured glasses has lifted. Suddenly, life seems so much brighter and easier and little things like the girls fighting bedtime or the dirty dishes in the sink no longer seem like the end of the world. The only thing that is different that I can think of is that I finally stopped breastfeeding G back to sleep if she woke up during the night. I was putting it off as we were all needing whatever sleep we could get and the thought of a crying toddler waking the household at 2am was not attractive. But, around Christmas, I bit the bullet and now....most nights.....G sleeps until 5 or 6am without waking. If she does wake, the Daddy can usually cuddle her back to sleep while I stay in another room, waiting to see if I am needed or not. Sometimes, she does want her Mummy and her "bee bee" and has a cry when I say "No bee bee until the sun comes up". I try and be strong and the quickest way to get her back to sleep is to take her out onto the front patio in the cool air where she immediately puts her head on my shoulder and goes to sleep. A bit hard on my dodgy back though.

It could also be the cognitive therapy stuff my gorgeous psychologist taught me about recognising my negative thinking patterns and changing my thoughts to more positive ,realistic ones. For example, instead of thinking "Oh god...I am SO tired. How am I going to get throught the next few hours". I manage to think "Yep...I'm pretty tired but I'm tired and happy and nothing is actually WRONG". This is not rocket science I know and the rest of you probably do it without thinking about it or having to pay someone lots of money to remind you but that's the way my brain is.

Whatever the reason...fewer breastfeeding hormones......the end of postnatal depression.....more sleep.....smarter thinking patterns....life sure seems more sunshiny and my husband seems sweeter. I even think I love the dog!

PS I've been reading Elizabeth Berg novels this week on my two days of train travel to work. She's a great writer - very perceptive - and her novels are very sort of cosy and escapist. Lots of baking pies and curling up with quilts while it snows outside. Anyway, she mentions a story told by a Navaho grandfather to his grandson which goes something like this...."There are two wolves that live inside me. One is full of anger and selfishness and laziness and the other one is full of love and compassion and joy for everything in the world. The two wolves are always fighting". The grandson asks "Which one wins?" and the grandfather replies "The one that I feed". That is so perfect for me and makes so much sense. I'm hoping I can remember it every day.

PS The above photo is G with my sister's new puppy.

Birthday bliss

I wasn't actually looking forward to today's birthday - my 43rd. I feel much better about it after getting my eyelashes and eyebrows tinted and putting a colour in my hair to cover the greys (you know - just those seven that have been getting me down). I usually (as my mother loves to mention every year) manage to spin my birthday out to encompass as many outings and treats as possible - a family get-together, morning tea with my girlfriends, a solo shopping trip or a massage. But this year... I just couldn't get enthusiastic about it. However, the day dawned (early, as it does with a breastfeeding toddler and a five year old who hates to sleep in and miss anything) and it was a beautiful spring day. After a couple of hours of secret present wrapping and card making, I was presented with some lovely clothes and truly touching works of art and kind words in shaky writing. Then we watered the garden and I started to enjoy myself.

The highlight came when my family returned from shopping with a huge bunch of flowers (chosen by E aged 5) and two helium balloons (G aged 2 chose one with ducks which says "Baby girl"). E handed me a soft parcel wrapped in tissue paper and said with great excitement "Happy Birthday Mummy. It's a dress". My girl had taken her Daddy shopping to buy me a dress and chose one she thought I would like because "it is cream and that's your favourite colour, it has flowers and lots of other colours, it has frills on the sleeves and a sash AND a petticoat!". What could a mother say but "It's beautiful Darling. I love it!". So I wore it out for my date this afternoon with her father with the memory of her shining face still with me. The nice thing was.....the girl in the icecream shop who served me a gelato (two scoops - blood orange and papaya) said "I love your dress!".